WIZARDS VS GODS: THE FINAL WAR BEGINS
by Caligalux
Summary: After watching the wizard world for eons, the gods have finally had it with all the segregation, fantastic racism, forbidding exogamy, and especially their "one-per-family" policy, and are launching their ultimate attack upon the wizards to reform-or destroy-them once and for all.
1. Divine Meeting

That was it. The competition was over. Alex Russo had won and would be the family wizard, and Justin got to keep his powers so as to take the job of headmaster of WizTech, and Max was demoted to muggle-status and would run the Sub Station… So they thought.

But the gods were not pleased at all. For a thousand millennia, they have watched as the wizards abused their powers continually with such crimes as segregating and discriminating against muggles and other magical creatures and forbidding intermarriage. Those things they could tolerate, every sentient species went through such phases. But the one-wizard-per-family policy was where they drew the line. Willingly tearing apart _their own families!_ And the death-by-shattering of Stevie Nichols was the final straw. The Queen Goddess, creator and protector of all the universes, was infuriated.

In the high planes of the fourth dimension's third sector, the gods met to discuss the matter.

"Cousin," said Zeus to Odin, "the Queen Goddess is very angry."

"I know." replied Odin. "She says that she has finally had enough of the wizards and their corrupt ways."

"But what will she do?" asked Zeus's twin brother, Jupiter.

"We cannot know until she informs us, brother. You know that." Zeus said.

Just then, Mercury appeared as swift as lightening.

"I have a message from the Queen Goddess herself, concerning the wizards." Said he.

"What is it, Nephew?" asked Jupiter.

"She says that she plans to wage war upon wizarding society until they vow upon the sacred name of Chaos itself to reform."

"But how does she intend upon doing so?" asked Poseidon, speaking up for the first time in the discussion.

"She says that she will send in a group called the Starcrushers." Mercury said.

"The Starcrushers?" asked Jupiter.

"They are an elite organization. They possess a spaceship that can travel faster than any other mortal-made machine currently known, they are effective and efficient, and they don't adhere to any conventionally known human philosophy, religion, or system of thought, which makes their behavior strange and unpredictable and thus makes them worthy opponents for even the best wizard." Mercury explained.

"Yes," said Odin, "I know of them as well."

"One more thing," asked Poseidon, "if the gods are to wage war upon the wizards, are we _all_ fighting? Are Krishna and Quetzalcoatl also in on this?"

"Probably." answered Zeus. "I get the feeling that this will be a large-scale conflict."

"So when are these 'Starcrushers' being sent in?" asked Odin.

"The Queen Goddess said that she is contacting them as we speak." said Mercury.


	2. Recruiting the Starcrushers

The Starcrushers were flying across the galaxy at the time, in search of the ultimate guitar solo, when a call came in. Their leader, Commander Forthwith, answered it.

"Yes?" he asked. "Hmmm… I see… You say you want us there immediately? Yes, I think we can arrange that. Goodbye." And he hung up the phone.

"Who was that, Commander?" asked Ninety-Four.

"That was someone speaking for The Queen Goddess." Forthwith said, "He says she wants us to come speak to her immediately. Round everyone up for roll call and we'll get moving."

The 100 members of the Starcrushers (not including Commander Forthwith) stood in attention to be roll called.

"Eighty-Four?" Commander Forthwith called.

"Here, Commander."

"Eighty-Five?" Commander Forthwith called.

"Here, Commander."

"Eighty-Six?" Commander Forthwith called. But nobody answered. "Eighty-Six?" Commander Forthwith tried again, but still no answer.

"Where is Eighty-Six?" asked Commander Forthwith.

"Last I saw him, sir," said Twenty-Two, stepping forward, "he asked to be dropped off in Paris for business."

"What kind of business?" asked Forthwith.

Meanwhile, in a dusty old apartment above a pub in Paris, France, two people were _shagging_ in a rickety old cast-iron bed.

"Oh, Eighty-Six!" the women said in a thick French accent, "You bring me—_oh ma lombes!_"

Just then, Eighty-Six's phone beeped indicating he had received a text.

"Are you serious!?" Eighty-Six asked, frustrated by the text's timing. He reached to the dusty old side table for his BlackBerry.

"What is it, Eighty-Six?" the girl asked.

"It's from my boss…" he said. "Says _'I understand U R in Paris on business. R U finished yet?'_ I'd have been finished if you'd have sent the damn text just a few minutes later…" Eighty-Six grumbled to himself.

"Sorry, Monique," said Eighty-Six, "I have to return to my employers."

"Oh please, Eighty-Six!" Monique begged, "Do not leave me here in zees city to walk zeez streets in zee red dress again…"

"Well… okay," said Eighty-Six, "I will hide you in the ship's cargo hold. Just do not disturb Haile Selassie—we keep him down there as our pet."

A few hours later, the Starcrushers' ship landed in Paris and Eighty-Six loaded a large steamer trunk into the ship's cargo hold.

"What is all that?" asked Forty-Seven.

"Souvenirs." Eighty-Six lied. Forty-Seven shrugged and walked off.

"So what are we doing, Commander?" Eighty-Six asked Commander Forthwith.

"We have been called on a mission to speak with the Queen Goddess." he said.

"What for?" asked Eighty-Six.

"I do not presently know, Eighty-Six. Please take your station as we take off." said Commander Forthwith.

And the ship lifted off from Paris bound for the fourth dimension where they were scheduled to meet with the Queen Goddess.


	3. The Russos

Alex Russo enjoyed being the family wizard. Sure Justin also had powers, but that's only because that old coot Crumbs retired and gave Justin the job of headmaster.

And speaking of _heads_, the power had begun to go to Alex's. She was now living in a penthouse she bought with money she conjured up with a conjuring spell she devised so she could _buy_ said apartment.

"I know, I'm a genius." Said Alex to you, the reader.

Today, she happened to be at the races, betting money. She knew full-well that she didn't have to do this, since she could just conjure up money at will now, but it was just too much fun to win.

"Come on, you dogs, _faster!_" she yelled, waving a raggedy two-week old issue of _Variety_ furiously, urging the dogs on.

As this was going on, Professor Justin Russo, Alex's older brother, was eating a sandwich he ordered from Subway™ for lunch. Under his leadership, the school had undergone massive reforms, improving grade levels 86%, putting WizTech ahead of Wizard U on the west coast.

"It's good to be king…" Justin said to himself, munching on his sandwich. Just then, a tomato fell out of his sandwich and hit the ground, apparently creating a loud **BOOM!** and causing the entire castle to shake violently!

"What the…?" Justin asked, picking up the tomato, and dropping it again to see if the anomaly would repeat itself. **BOOM!** it did. "That's odd…" he muttered to himself, "I'll have to study the properties of this tomato—"

Just then the phone rang. He answered it.

"Hello, WizTech, Professor Justin Russo speaking." He said.

"Professor Russo," said the voice of Golorg D. Golorgi, the newly-elected head of the Wizard Council, "did you hear a loud boom?"

"Yes, Mr. Councilman, sir," said Justin, "it seems to have come from my tomato—"

"It wasn't your tomato you idiot!" Golorgi yelled. **BOOM!** more violent shaking.

"I see what you mean…" said Justin.

"I think we're being attacked, Russo!" said Golorgi suddenly.

"What!?" demanded Justin. "Sir, with all due respect, I don't believe that's possible. Who would attack us? Who _could_ attack us?"

**BOOM!**

"I don't know," said Golorgi, "but whoever they are, they're operating a gigantic spaceship—that's now aiming for my office—OH MY GO—" **BOOM!** the phone went dead, and presumably so did Golorgi.

"Councilman Golorgi? Councilman Golorgi?" asked Justin, "Oh my God—he's been killed! But who? How? _WHY?!_—oh God, THE STUDENTS!" and he called an emergency evacuation to the school's old torture chamber turned fallout shelter. _Thank you, Cold War!_ Justin thought as he herded the students in.

That night, Alex sat channel surfing when she came to the Magic channel.

"_Attention! Attention!_" said the TV, "_This just in: the whole of wizarding society is under attack by an unknown foe. The attackers are aboard a gigantic spaceship that began its blitzkrieg about noon today by vaporizing several offices at Wizard Council headquarters._"

"What?" Alex said, pausing and sitting up to watch more closely.

"_The Wizard Council has mobilized the troops and is set to fight back full force and hopefully determine the reason for these attacks._" The news report continued, "_In the meantime, all wizards are instructed to keep a low profile to avoid being attacked or giving away locations of wizarding places of residence._"

"Oh my gosh…" Alex said, eyes glue to the screen as she watched the mysterious ship attacking.


	4. Stevie's Legacy

It was nearly midnight. The members of the Starcrushers' crew were getting tired, having been attacking the wizard world for nearly 12 hours now.

"Commander, when are the gods supposed to arrive? We cannot keep this up much longer. The crew is getting tired." Ninety said.

Commander Forthwith picked up the phone and dialed 'G' for 'gods' and wired into Mercury, the Queen Goddess's personal assistant.

"Mercury," Forthwith said, "we have launched the attack and the wizard world is scrambling to assemble their forces. When is the backup you promised going to arrive? My men are all getting tired."

"You have done well, Commander Forthwith," Mercury said on the other end, "the backup is on its way. Odin, Jupiter, Zeus, Poseidon, Thor, Isis, Mars, and Loki will be there by midnight."

"Mercury, I don't know how time works in the fourth dimension, but here in New York, midnight is in five minutes." Commander Forthwith said.

"Exactly." Mercury said, and hung up.

Sure enough, five minutes later, at the stroke of midnight, a battalion of gods came pouring over the horizon toward New York, ready to continue the attack on the wizard world.

"By gum, they came through after all!" said Forty-One, looking up from his monitor, purple bags visible under his eyes.

"They did indeed." said Commander Forthwith, "Half of you may turn in for the night. The other half, you may break into the energy supplements we keep hidden away until it's your turn to sleep."

Commander Forthwith then picked up the phone and made a call.

"Mercury," he asked, "this is Commander Forthwith once again. The gods have arrived as you promised. I am requesting permission to go on standby and orbit the city and hover above the clouds for the night."

"Permission granted, Commander Forthwith." Mercury replied.

"Thank you. Goodnight." Forthwith said, and then hung up and directed the remaining crew to go into standby for the night while the gods continued fighting.

As this was going on, the Wizard Council was holding an emergency meeting.

"Okay, so Golorgi's pushin' daisies, which means _I'm_ in charge now." Said Ben Henry BenZoltar, Gologri's appointed successor. He was a portly man with a large appetite and a voice about as pleasant to listen to as a dental drill. "So, my first plan of action: Find out what the hell is going on here and why these spacemen and now gods are attacking us for seemingly no reason—"

Suddenly the phone rang.

"Hello," he asked, picking it up, "Wizard Councilman, Ben Henry BenZoltar speaking."

"Councilman BenZoltar," said the voice of Mercury on the other end, "this is Mercury speaking on behalf of the Queen Goddess."

"Why can't she speak for herself?" BenZoltar shot at Mercury.

"Because the sheer awesome celestial power of her voice would fry the phone lines, that's why." Mercury shot back. "Anyway, we know that you are wondering why we've launched our attack on you."

"Yeah, that was puzzling us a bit…" BenZoltar said sarcastically.

"The Queen Goddess is sick and tired of the way you wizards abuse your powers and run your society." Mercury said sternly. "You willingly break apart your own families with your whole 'one-per-family' policy, you segregate by forbidding exogamy, you treat non-human magical creatures as beneath you, and when she sent the great young prophet Stevie Nichols to usher in social reform, you let her be petrified and then shattered, killing her."

"B-b-b-b-but she was sent to an island for soul-rehabilitation!" BenZoltar stuttered in a panic.

"Don't even attempt to lie, BenZoltar," said Mercury, "we gods see everything. And guess what else: gods don't like when people kill their prophets." And with that, Mercury hung up.

BenZoltar sat there, a terrified look on his face as he now realized the full gravity of the situation.

"Well, sir," asked one official, "what is it?"

"Remember Stevie Nichols?" BenZoltar said, all the pride and haughtiness drained from his voice.

"The rebel who threatened the social status quo a few years ago?" asked the official.

"What about her?" asked another official.

"Turns out she was a prophet, and the gods are _really_ mad at us for letting her get killed…" BenZoltar said.

You could have heard a pin drop the room became so silent.


	5. Emergency Emerging

It was morning. Justin Russo woke up after not so much as a night's sleep as more a night's string of off-and-on naps. He and his students had all hidden in the WizTech fallout shelter while first Starcrushers and then gods pummeled the school. The clock on the wall read 2:22 AM, but his phone meanwhile said 6:08, and he remembered that nobody had been in the fallout shelter between the last "Duck-and-Cover" drill in the mid-60s and now, so he figured his phone was probably correct.

He also noticed that the loud **BOOM!**s had ceased. Maybe it was safe to leave the shelter now. So he crept quietly to the door, making sure not to make a sound… then wondered why it mattered, seeing as the place was pretty probably sound-proofed and thus whoever had been assaulting them—if still present—would hardly hear his movements. So he simply crept to the door and unlocked it, and peeked outside. He saw everything appeared safe, so he opened the door and emerged.

"Wow," Justin remarked, "Looks like they barely touched the place."

The site that stood before Justin was a near-totally untouched castle. The only thing different from when the teachers, staff, and students entered the fallout shelter was he noticed a tree in the courtyard had been uprooted and was lying atop the roof of the east dormitories.

"It's a strong roof," he said, "we can leave the tree there for now."

Then his cell phone rang. It was Alex. He answered.

"Justin," she said, "have you heard about the attacks?!" she asked.

"Oh NO!" Justin said sarcastically, "I haven't heard anything about them, even though it's all over our world's news media—as well as WizTech taking cover—and the absurdly loud **BOOM!**s which can be heard for miles. I just decided to have everybody sleep in the fallout shelter tonight because I thought it would be fun!—_Of course_ I've heard about the attacks! Initially I thought it was the sound of my tomato hitting the ground."

"_What!?"_ Alex asked.

"It makes sense in context…" said Justin. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah, they don't know about my penthouse apartment, so I think I'm safe." said Alex.

"Okay," said Justin, "but just be careful, little sis—"

"Since when do you call me that?" asked Alex.

"I dunno," said Justin, "I'm feeling sentimental after nearly having my school bombed out."

"They _didn't_ waste WizTech?" she asked, surprised.

"The only thing out of place is a tree that got pulled out of the ground and thrown onto a roof," said Justin. "I have no clue why they didn't touch us!"

At about that time, Mercury got on the line with Commander Forthwith.

"Commander Forthwith," he said, "I understand that you never attacked WizTech. Why is that?"

"It is simply a school, Mercury," Forthwith said, "we saw no military significance in it, and figured pointless to murder innocent students."

"I understand your reasoning, Commander Forthwith," Mercury said, "though in the event that we need to, I want you to be prepared to level the place for shock-and-awe if necessary."

"We will do whatever you need of us as long as you are able to pay us as promised." said Commander Forthwith professionally.

"Of course," said Mercury, "help us defeat the wizards, and we will give you the location of the ultimate guitar solo."


	6. The Battle of New York, Pt 1

The Wizard Council was organizing an army to take on the threat that had suddenly attacked them for no apparent reason. Their tactics were simple: LEAVE. NO. SURVIVORS.

"WIZARDS!" called the drill instructor, "You will be going into full-out combat against a very powerful, dangerous enemy. They do not operate by any clearly understandable tactics, and strike seemingly without mercy. You must be prepared to give it everything you've got and show no mercy yourse—"

**BOOM!**

The entire bunker shook wildly as they took a blow.

"We're under attack! Take your positions—NOW!"

The soldiers took out their wands, prepared to fight. **BOOM!** The roof was blown clean off the bunker, revealing a sky full of towering, hundred-foot gods raining destruction down upon them!

"What in the Sam hell!?" exclaimed the drill instructor, who was promptly grabbed up by Thor, and lifted high into the air.

"Thor!?" cried the drill instructor in disbelief, "What's going on here!? Why are you attacking us!?"

"You wizards have infuriated the Queen Goddess and abused your powers long enough." Thor said, then throwing the drill instructor a thousand feet into the air where he was vaporized by the Starcrushers who suddenly entered the scene.

Meanwhile, on the ground, a Sergeant rushed in to try to get some control on the situation.

"OPEN FIRE! NOW!" he ordered at the top of his lungs, and they began firing on the gods and Starcrushers with everything they had.

Then backup troops arrived, and the fighting turned in the wizards' favor.

"Commander Forthwith," said Mercury over the phone, "we are getting reports of mass resistance from the wizards. What's going on down there?"

"Exactly as you said, Mercury," Forthwith replied, "The wizards are fighting back with everything they've got. They are chasing us eastward."

And they were. The gods-Starcrushers alliance was being repelled back by the wizards further eastward, towards the sea—and New York.

"Yes! We got 'em on the run!" the sergeant rejoiced, "keep fighting! Let's push 'em out to sea!"

After about forty miles, they hid New York City. Not that this kept them from fighting.

It was mass chaos, people running and screaming in terror at the hundred foot being, the UFO-like ship, and the army of wizards battling it out. The war had turned into a bizarre, supernatural form of street fighting.

"COUSIN!" Odin called to Jupiter, "WHAT SHOULD WE DO!? THEY'VE FORCED US INTO THE CITY!"

"DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE MORTALS, THEY WILL FLEA FOR THEIR LIVES, JUST KEEP FIGHTING THE ENEMY!" Jupiter said.

"Sergeant," asked a wizard troop, "we are in the streets of an enormous muggle city, in plain sight of everyone. What do we do?"

"Don't worry about the muggles." The sergeant said, "hopefully they'll all be too traumatized by the witnessing this to make any sense of it.

And speaking of muggles, in Washington DC, a White House aid to the President of the United States walked briskly down the hallway leading to the Oval Office, bearing urgent news for the Commander-in-Chief. He knocked on the door.

"Come in." the President said. The aid stepped inside.

"Mr. President," he said, "We've just received reports that New York City is _possibly_ under attack."

"What do you mean, _possibly_?" the President asked, still sitting in his chair, back to the aid.

"Well, sir," the aide said, "the combatants are fighting each other viciously, yet do not appear to be directly attacking New York or its residents."

President Stephen Colbert suddenly turned around in to face the aide.

"Do we know anything about where they came from?" he asked.

"No, sir." The aide replied.

"SCRAMBLE THE JETS!" President Colbert ordered.

The jets were scrambled and flew towards New York at the speed of sound. Their mission: find out who was fighting in New York, and why.

The massive metropolis finally came over the horizon, and then they saw it: gods, some up to four hundred feet tall, aided by what looked like a flying saucer, fighting against what looked like an army of sorcerers.

"What in the…?" asked the fleet commander, stunned at what he was seeing.

"Let's try and make contact with that spaceship, commander," one pilot radioed in, "they should have a radio of some sort." The flew in and called over the hailing frequency "Attention! This is the United States Air Force. You are currently in American airspace. Identify yourself now."

The reply came remarkably fast.

"Do not be afraid, American military personnel," Commander Forthwith's voice said over the radio, "we mean neither you, nor your city nor your people any harm. We are simply paid mercenaries acting on orders."

"Who's orders are you acting on? Who hired you?" the Air Force Fleet Commander demanded.

"We have been sent by the Queen Goddess to launch the initial attack and help the gods wage war against the wizard world." Forthwith replied matter-of-factly.


	7. Hiring the Skullsquishers

"Tell me," said President Colbert, "what exactly did they say again?"

"They said that they were mercenaries hired by the Queen Goddess to wage war on the wizard world, Mr. President." the aid repeated.

Colbert sat at his desk, rubbing his chin, then his forehead, trying to make sense of this. Then he snapped his finger indicating he'd realized something.

"Of course!" Colbert said, slamming his hand down on the table. "There is no way in hell a sober mind could come up with an explanation like that. Therefore… The Starcrushers are actually drug smugglers!"

"But sir," the aide said, "they've got a spaceship."

"Drug smugglers build submarines all the time! Building a spaceship with plasma cannons is only a few steps away! Therefore… I, PRESIDENT STEPHEN COLBERT, AM HEREBY EXPANDING THE WAR ON DRUGS!" He was now standing atop his desk, Captain Morgan-style, pointing at the ceiling.

Meanwhile, the wizards were hiring their own mercenaries.

"You guys really don't like the Starcrushers very much, do you?" Ben Henry BenZoltar asked Captain Nightshade, leader of the Skullsquishers, the Starcrushers' arch enemies. Nightshade grunted loudly, a negative tone in his voice, and shook his head.

"And you guys really wanna find the ultimate guitar solo, don't you?" BenZoltar continued. Nightshade grunted loudly, a positive tone in his voice, and nodded his head.

"You guys also really like fighting and violence and chances to, well… squish peoples' skulls, don't you?" BenZoltar continued. At this, Captain Nightshade grunted very loudly, very positively, nodding his head.

"So what if I were to tell you that you can get rid of the Starcrushers, squish a whole lotta skulls, and get the ultimate guitar solo?" BenZoltar proposed. At this, Captain Nightshade nodded wildly, grunting joyously, visibly pleased at the idea.

"Well, if you want that," BenZoltar said, "all you gotta do is help us fight against the gods and the Starcrushers. Deal?" Captain Nightshade nodded approvingly, grunted happily, and shook BenZoltar's hand, nearly squishing.

BenZoltar pulled his hand away, flexed it, and also discovered it covered in something the Wizard Councilman decided he'd really rather not know what it was.

Captain Nightshade, a massive, eight-foot six-inch tall, scraggly figure who looked half warthog and dressed like a space-Viking, headed back toward the Skullsquishers' ship, a large, clunky, evil-looking vessel, that was rusty, beat up, and had horns, fangs, and two red-tinted windshields designed to look like eyes.

The ship's massive, warn out engines belched several times, releasing foul smelling exhaust into the air, then finally fired, and the ship clumsily lifted off the ground and shot into the sky, leaving a trail of brownish-blackish smoke behind it.

"God, who the hell did we just hire?" BenZoltar asked one of his assistants.

"The Starcrushers' arch rivals, sir." Said his assistant.

"I know that, stupid!" BenZoltar said, slapping his assistant. "But I mean what kind of…are they even human?"

"I honestly do not know, sir." The assistant said.

"Ah, it doesn't matter," BenZoltar said, "just as long as they do their job."

"But what about the ultimate guitar solo, sir? We haven't the vaguest ghost of an idea _where_ it could possibly be?" the assistant pointed out.

"It doesn't matter," BenZoltar said coolly, "once the war is over, we either tell 'em they've failed us and execute them, or tell them they've done well and give them the coordinates to a black hole so they'll kill themselves flying into it. You gotta understand politics, kid."

"Whatever you say, sir." The assistant said.


	8. The Battle of New York, Pt 2

"NATION!" President Colbert announced briskly to every American who owned a TV, "as you know, for the past 36 hours, New York City has been the site of a massive, battle between two utterly bizarre combatants. Well, we have made contact with them, and they say they are fighting to the 'Queen Goddess'," he said, doing air quotes, "and are waging war against the 'wizard world'." (Also air quotes) "However," he continued, "obviously this is a bunch of bullshit. So therefore, I have concluded that New York has become the latest combat zone in a war between drug cartels! Thus I am expanding the War on Drugs, and will stop at NOTHING to make sure that these people have been banished from our shores, and sent back to Mexico where they belong!"

At this moment, the entire United States military (which had previously been heading for Iran) was converging on New York, fully armed and ready to take back the great American city.

The wizards and the gods and the Starcrushers were still fighting, when suddenly the Skullsquishers entered the battle.

"Great Scott!" said Twenty-Two, "Commander, the wizards appear to have hired to Skullsquishers as mercenaries!"

"I was afraid the war would take this route…" Commander Forthwith said. "Continue the fighting and be on the lookout for any attacks from the Skullsquishers."

The Starcrushers were known for their very clean, efficient manner of fighting, which typically involved only destroying/killing what/who they absolutely _had_ to destroy/kill, and when they did so, it was typically by way of vaporization, which was painless and left no mess, since it simply scattered the atoms. The Skullsquishers, meanwhile, were an entirely different story.

They preferred to kill by squishing, and they preferred to destroy everything and everyone in their path by firing dumb bombs and crudely built lasers wildly. And when they really needed to destroy something, they would fire one of the many nuclear weapons they kept on board at it.

As the Skullsquishers blasted their way through New York, they knocked down buildings left and right, seemingly _trying_ to cause as much destruction as possible. Then they spotted the Starcrushers.

Captain Nightshade growled viciously, and ordered the other Skullsquishers to begin firing everything they had at their enemies, hoping to take them out of the skies. But Commander Forthwith was wise to their tactics, and ordered the Starcrushers' ship' s shields be activated to deflect the Skullsquishers' death rays and dumb bombs.

Then the American military arrived.

The soldiers, tanks, planes, ships, artillery launchers, and every other weapon the superpower had at its disposal started firing at _both sides_. This frustrated the gods.

"Oh great," Odin sighed, "a two-front war."

"What should we do, cousin?" asked Zeus.

"Swat their plans and flick their tanks out of the way, but for the most part just ignore them and focus on the wizards. We must extinguish their forces." Odin said.

Meanwhile, Mercury called up.

"Commander Forthwith," he said, "I have new orders for you."

"What are your orders, Mercury?" Forthwith asked.

"Do whatever you can to send the American mortals packing, so we can fight this war more cleanly." Mercury commanded.

"We will do our best." Forthwith said, hanging up. He then got the American general on the line.

"Greetings, American military commander," Commander Forthwith said professionally.

"That's General Griswold to you, flyboy!" the General replied angrily.

"Now, now, American military commander," Commander Forthwith said, "There is no reason to be angry with us."

"What are you talking about? There is EVERY reason to be angry with you—namely the fact that you're destroying an American civilian settlement!" General Griswold shouted, furious at Commander Forthwith's cavalier attitude about the situation.

"We habour no resentful feelings towards you or your settlement, American military commander," Commander Forthwith said, calm as ever, "we are simply acting on orders from—"

"Yeah, I know, you and your damn fuckin' 'Queen Goddess' or some bullshit." General Griswold fumed. "Listen up, if you don't—" but before he could finish, the Starcrushers blasted him with their teleporter beam, zapping him to the middle of Nebraska. "—whoa! What the fuck!? Where the am I!? What'd those yahoos do? Am I in fuckin' Kansas or something!?"

Meanwhile, in New York, the war raged on.

"Brother!" Jupiter called to Zeus, "We are throwing everything we have at them, and yet the wizards still are holding us off!"

"I know, brother!" Zeus replied, "But just keep fighting, we will wear them down eventually. They have to rest or give up sometime!" And they wired in to Mercury to send Thor and Loki in for backup.

"I'LL MAKE QUICK WORK OF THIS!" Thor whaled, swinging his hammer wildly, knocking down building after building, finally hitting Russo Tower, which housed Alex.

"OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHH HHHH!" Alex screamed as she dove for cover as Thor's hammer came at her building, smashing it like a pile of flimsy glass and sending it collapsing to the ground in a ruined heap of rubble.

"Councilman BenZoltar!" wizard commander General Ivan Ivanofski yelled, "They've struck Russo tower!"

"That's a major part of our societal infrastructure!" BenZoltar yelled, horrified.

"They're too powerful, councilman!" Ivanofski shouted, "We can't repel them anymore! What do we do!?"

"There is only one thing we can do..." BenZoltar said darkly.

"What!?" Ivanofski demanded

"We have to level all of New York." BenZoltar said.

"But sir," General Ivanofski said, "millions of people—both wizard and muggle—live there!"

"A million is a statistic, General," BenZoltar said coldly, "and this is war."


	9. The Final Straw

The war raged on for two more days, neither side gaining the upper hand. The gods were coming at the wizards with everything they had, while the wizards, vastly outnumbering the gods, were able to hold them off. The gods, however, were determined to win, and defeat the wizards once and for all.

"Commander Forthwith," said Mercury over the phone, "we have new orders for you."

"I am listening, Mercury." said Commander Forthwith on the other end.

"You and I both know that this war is going nowhere, and we aren't making any progress in defeating the wizards," said Mercury, "well we have devised a way that will surely make them surrender."

"Yes?" asked Forthwith.

"We want you to raze WizTech." Mercury said.

"What?" asked Commander Forthwith, "You want us to vaporize the school?"

"Not vaporize, Commander Forthwith," said Mercury, "we want you to annihilate that school in the most vicious, destructive, horrifying, spectacular manner possible, and we want you to do it the day after tomorrow."

"Why then?" Forthwith asked.

"Because there will be an honor ceremony going on there, and thus the place will be packed with students, teachers, and parents from all over. We want you to obliterate the school and everyone in it. Witnessing and hearing of their deaths will, hopefully, completely demoralize the wizards, and they will simple give up."

"You want us to destroy a school… full of children, adolescence, and adults?" Commander Forthwith asked.

"That is what I just said, Commander," said Mercury. "I want you to _completely destroy_ that school. Do something huge, something that will reduce the entire campus to a hundred-foot-deep crater. That is all." And he hung up.

Commander Forthwith got up from his chair, and addressed the crew.

"Men," he said, "I have just received orders from Mercury: the gods want us to destroy the wizarding school WizTech in the most violent manner possible during a school function."

At this, the entire ship went silent save for the low hum of the cooling fans. One man stepped forward.

"Commander, as a loyal employee of Starcrushers Inc, I will of course always do as I am told, but personally I find the task given us to be an immensely pointless waste of life." He said.

"You have a good point, Fourteen," said Commander Forthwith, "I will retire to my quarters to weigh our options." And he did.

About four hours later, Commander Forthwith emerged and made an announcement.

"Men," he said, "after considering all the possibilities, I have determined, that this war is far more trouble than it is worth for us, as it shows no sign of ending soon and the two powers are in stalemate. I have also judged that destroying a non-military target for the sole purpose of demoralization of the enemy would be an obscene act and its very consideration shows that our employers are slipping into barbarism—which of course is a very inefficient mode of existence." He added quickly. "Therefore, I have decided that we shall abandon service to the gods, and continue our quest for the guitar solo on our own, as before."

"But Commander," one man asked, "I personally doubt that the gods will just let us abandon them like that. Don't you think they will try to stop us?"

"You pose an excellent point, Nine," said Commander Forthwith, "and I agree that we will most likely have to shoot our way out. But we have done it before, and we can certainly do it again. Tomorrow at the stroke of noon, we will break position, go after the Skullsquishers to finish them off, then evacuate the region as fast as possible."

The one-hundred-man crew of the Starcrushers nodded in agreement and they set to work preparing to desert the gods.


	10. Deserting

The following day, the Starcrushers spent the entire morning preparing to desert the gods and flee the combat zone. It was now 11:59AM and they were at the final countdown.

"15…14…13…12…11…10…9…8…7…6…5…4…3…2…1…0… BREAK POSITION NOW!"

The Starcrushers' ship shot from its standby position at Mach 1, heading northwest. It blew past Zeus and Odin, who took notice.

"What the…?" asked Odin.

"That was the Starcrushers!" said Zeus, "What are they doing? Somebody get Mercury on the line!"

Just then, Commander Forthwith's phone rang. It was Mercury.

"Commander Forthwith," the messenger god said, "I understand that you have broken your position, what is going on?"

"We have judged your war to be far too inefficient for our taste, Mercury," Forthwith said, "Therefore we are deserting you."

"WHAT!?" Mercury demanded, flabbergasted. "You're supposed to destroy WizTech tomorrow!"

"I guess you no longer have anyone to do that job." Commander Forthwith said, hanging up immediately to focus on piloting his ship.

"We've found the Skullsquishers, Commander!" Forty-One called.

"Head for them at full speed!" Commander Forthwith ordered.

The Starcrushers' sleek, streamlined ship flew towards the Skullsquishers' hulk of a vessel at the speed of sound, looking as though they intended to ram them.

"Skullsquishers!" Commander Forthwith said over the radio, "After a long conflict, we are going to defeat you and you shall die!" He then turned to Twenty-Two manning the weapons and yelled "FIRE!"

He did as told and a powerful beam of energy shot from one of the ship's numerous plasma cannons, heading towards the Skullsquishers' ship.

"Oops, I forget to set it back to vaporize!" Twenty-Two said suddenly.

"You what!?" Twenty-Five exclaimed.

The beam hit the Skullsquishers' ship, but instead of vaporizing it and simply scattering its individual atoms, it gave the ship a fatal blow, causing it to yaw dangerously to one side, then began to fall from the sky towards New York City below.

"Ahura Mazda, man!" Commander Forthwith exclaimed, "That ship's loaded with nuclear weapons and it's falling uncontrollably towards the city!"

"USE THE TRACTOR CANNONS! NOW!" Somebody yelled, and Twenty-Two fired the crane-like laser at the falling ship, catching it about 400 feet above the ground, taking hold, and hurling it into the ionosphere, where Twenty-Two then shot it with another, more powerful beam, causing the entire thing to explode in a shower of flames and sparks, visible around the world, that looked like a combination of a supernova and Ohio-grade fireworks.

Meanwhile, on Capitol Hill in Washington D.C., President Colbert and Vice-President Stewart stood, watching and saluting the scene.

"I feel proud to be an American, Jon." said Colbert.'

"So do I, Stephen." said Stewart.


	11. Stowaways

"Hopefully there were no survivors." Commander Forthwith said, watching the flaming pieces of the Skullsquishers' ship fall back to earth and either burn up or crash into the sea.

Meanwhile, the gods were debating what to do.

"What has happened?" Jupiter asked Mercury over the phone.

"The Starcrushers have deserted us." Mercury said.

"They have joined the wizards?" Jupiter asked.

"No," Mercury replied, "they have simply ceased fighting and fled."

"What shall we do? Shall we chase them down and slaughter them for betrayal?" asked Zeus.

"Think about it, brother," said Jupiter, "we have a massive war to fight, and we are not making any headway as it is. We simply do not have the expendable energy to go on some tedious adventure, chasing down a bunch of spacemen for deserting us. We can go after them once the war has ended."

"You are right, brother." Zeus said. "But what does the Queen Goddess think of the situation? Does she even know the miserable state of the war?"

"Surely Mercury has told her." Jupiter said.

"She is the creator, ruler, and protector of the entire multiverse," said Odin, "if anyone knows the state of the war, it is her."

Meanwhile, things were settling back to normal aboard the Starcrushers' ship.

"Commander," asked Eighty-Six, "if it is alright with you, may I depart briefly to use the lavatory?"

"Of course," said Commander Forthwith. "At-ease, Eighty-Six."

And Eighty-Six got on the elevator and rode to the ship's bottom level, just above the airlock: the cargo hold. He went in to check on his secret passenger.

"Monique," he called, "are you still alive?"

"_Oui_, Eighty-Six," Monique called back, emerging from behind some crates. "What 'as been going on up zere?" the little French hooker asked, "Why 'as zee ship been jolting around so much? Are you fighting a war or something?"

"Actually, yes, until yesterday." said Eighty-Six.

Monique stared briefly, surprised that her snarky quip turned out to be true. Suddenly another young lady came out from behind some boxes.

"Oh, how cute," she said, "you're an item!" The girl was Alex Russo.

"Who are you?" asked Eighty-Six.

"Alex Russo." she said.

"Where did you come from, how did you get aboard the ship?" Eighty-Six asked further.

"I used to live in New York City, in a penthouse on top of my private skyscraper, Russo Tower, until Thor knocked it over with his hammer thingy and I was left homeless. Frenchy here let me on aboard while you were landed to refuel." she explained.

"Monique, why did you let her aboard?" Eighty-Six demanded.

"Because," she explained, "she looked so sad and lost out zere, and she said she 'ad lost 'er 'ome, I felt sorry for 'er…"

"I am already violating protocol as it is," Eighty-Six said, "the last thing I need is you letting urchins in off the streets of New York—"

"'kay look," Alex said, "I'm not just some urchin girl. I'm—"

"Russo—you're a wizard!" exclaimed Eighty-Six, suddenly remembering something he'd been told at the start of the war.

"Where'd you get that idea?" Alex asked.

"Mainly because you're wanted by the gods for the death of Stevie Nichols—" Eighty-Six began.

"Death? No, you see, she was put back together and went to soul-rehabilitation—" Alex began.

"Do not attempt to lie, young wizard girl." Eighty-Six said sternly. "We have all been told the truth about the prophet-girls' fate."

"Prophet?" asked Alex.

"Stevie Nichols was a prophet sent by the Queen Goddess to reform wizard society and abolish the segregationist laws, and most importantly, the one-wizard-per-family policy. But instead, as prophets so often are, she was martyred; petrified and then shattered—and to add insult to injury, it was played as comedy." Eighty-Six said.

"Oh crap…" Alex muttered under her breath, realizing the cover story that the Wizard Council had devised would no longer work. "So… what are you going to do with me?" she asked.

"I do not know," said Eighty-Six, "we have ceased participation in the war, so you are technically no longer classified as an enemy combatant, but—" Just then the ship shook violently.

"Eighty-Six, I am scared!" said Monique.

"Okay, what's going on now?" Alex asked.

"I do not know." said Eighty-Six.

Just then, the elevator opened and Twenty-Two came in.

"Eighty-Six, we gotta go—" he froze upon seeing the sight before him. "Eighty-Six, comrade," Twenty-Two said, "you are hiding women in the cargo bay?"

"Only one, though!" Eighty-Six defended. "_That one_ snuck aboard while we were refueling."

"Who are you?" Twenty-Two asked Alex.

"Alex Russo," she answered, when suddenly the elevator opened again and Twelve emerged.

"Twenty-Two, what is taking you so—" he also froze. "Why are you both hiding women in the cargo bay?"

"I am not!" Twenty-Two said, "Eighty-Six is the one responsible."

"I cannot believe that you are throwing me under the bus." Eighty-Six exclaimed.

"Alex Russo," said Twenty-Two, "you are a wizard…A wizard who is wanted by the gods."

"Then she is very lucky that we did not find her until after deserting." said Twelve.

"So what is going on, anyway?" asked Eighty-Six.

"We do not know for certain," said Twelve. "We seem to be being pulled into a vortex of some sort against our will. We have tried using our engines at full thrust to escape, but to no avail, almost as though some divine hand is grasping us."

The quintet boarded the elevator and ascended to the bridge to see what was going on. The other Starcrushers were shocked at the sight of the two females.

"Where did they come from?" asked Commander Forthwith.

"Well…" said Eighty-Six nervously, "Monique here is my lover, and wizard girl here is a stowaway."

"Eighty-Six," said Commander Forthwith, "you know our company policy regarding women—"

"Oh _please_, Commander Forthwith," Monique implored, "I used to be a lonely 'ooker who walked zee streets of Paris, selling myself for thirty Euros a john, until I met your darling Starcrusher, Eighty-Six. Please do not send me back zere! Make me your very first female Starcrusher!"

"Well," said Commander Forthwith, "despite our policies, we obviously have more important things to tend to, so young French hooker can stay. But who is this one here?" he asked, pointing at Alex.

"I'm Alex Russo—" and she needed say no more.

"The gods told us about you," said Commander Forthwith. "They said that you are responsible for the death of the prophet Stevie Nichols."

"Look," Alex defended indignantly, "I didn't know she was a prophet, okay!"

Just then, the ship's screen went to static, and a loud, booming voice came over the intercom.

"STARCRUSHERS!" the voice boomed so loudly that it caused the speakers to crackle with feedback.

"Who are you?" demanded Commander Forthwith, "Why have you abducted us? What is going on?"

"YOU HAVE ALEX RUSSO ABOARD!" the voice raged, causing more feedback.

"What about her?" Alex asked nervously.

"THIS IS THE QUEEN GODDESS SPEAKING!" the voice declared. "AND YOU HAVE INFURIATED ME OVER THE YEARS! SO NOW I AM BRINGING YOU TO SPEAK TO ME _FACE TO FACE!"_

"Oh my gosh…" Alex said.

The ship was being pulled upward—or downward—or something—into the dimension where the Queen Goddess lived. The ship's systems went berserk as they approached.

"Commander, the ship cannot hand this for much longer." Twenty-One warned, looking up from his monitor.

The ship continued to move in that abstract direction, shaking wildly.


	12. The Palace

Suddenly all the chaos stopped and everything went calm. Several monitors blue screened, and a couple lights flickered.

"What just happened?" asked Alex.

"I think we have reached our destination." said Commander Forthwith.

Suddenly, the elevator door opened, and a screen next to it displayed the words _GET IN_.

"Gee…" said Alex nervously, "I wonder what that could mean…"

Forthwith prodded Alex from behind and she reluctantly boarded the elevator; Forthwith, Eighty-Six, Twenty-Two and Monique followed.

The elevator doors closed, and the elevator rode all the way down to the airlock, where both doors opened simultaneously—even though they were designed so this would be impossible—causing a brief draft as the pressure equalized. The quintet stepped out of the ship.

It was a mysterious, vague sort of place. They couldn't very far in front of them. They felt a strange pulling sensation that compelled them to move forward, away from the ship.

"COME FORWARD!" the loud voice boomed at them.

Then they came to a massive castle-like structure, made entirely of light. The building stood a hundred miles high by a thousand miles wide by five hundred miles long. There were gigantic stairs leading up to the front entrance. The quintet ascended the stairs, a hundred thousand steps long at 45 degrees, each step handcrafted of ivory, with remarkable speed.

At the top of the stairs, they stood looking at a gigantic door, 10,000 meters tall, which opened for them. Behind it lay a long hall that extended beyond the local dimension's equivalent of a horizon, the walls lined with banners made of gold, silver, platinum, and diamond threats, a massive chandelier twenty feet long by thirty five feet tall placed every thousand feet hanging from the ceiling, and a long carpet woven from rubies spanning the entire length of the hallway.

They traversed the hallway remarkably fast as well, considering it must have spanned fifty miles. They made the trip in four hours, going at a normal, three-mile-per-hour pace.

Then they came to another massive door, which opened outward, granting them entrance into a gigantic, extraordinarily majestic room with a ceiling that stretched to infinity. There were massive globes lining the path leading to the back wall. One looked like Earth.

"COME FORWARD!" the massive voice boomed from the back of the room. There was a gigantic stage, upon which sat a massive elaborately designed throne made entirely of infinitely light. The quintet approached closer. They could only make out a vague silhouette.

"BRING HER FORTH, FORTHWITH, FORTHWITH!" the Queen Goddess ordered, and Commander Forthwith pushed Alex forward, toward the deity.

"I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU, ALEX RUSSO!" the Queen Goddess boomed. Then she got up from her throne, and descended the stairs. After stepping out of the infinite light that her throne was made of, she revealed herself to be a little bit shorter than Alex, with wavy brown hair, she was slightly pudgy, and was wearing a dress made to look like a cupcake. The Queen Goddess was Harper.


	13. The Queen Goddess

"Oh my gosh…" Alex said, almost too shocked for words. "Harper!?"

"That's right," she said, "IT'S ME!"

"Oh my gosh," said Alex (again), "I can't believe it… I never…"

"You never suspected that it was _ME_, Haper, your BEST FRIEND!"

"But—"

"You never saw any of the signs—EVEN THOUGH THEY WERE OBVIOUS!" Harper shrieked, furious.

"Why are you so mad at me?!" Alex asked.

"Because you wizards have been getting on my nerves for centuries, the way you mistreat my other magical creations, forbidding exogamy, and above all else allowing only one child to keep their powers into adulthood. So I sent Stevie Nichols as my prophet to bring about reform in the wizard world, and I even made her like you in hopes that she would convert you to the cause. But instead, she's petrified and shattered; my beautiful prophet martyred!" Harper said angrily. "But not only do you and your brother continue to support the one-per-family policy, but you also learn a way to _circumvent it!_ And to top it all off, you're a lousy friend who never answers my texts anymore!"

"Oh my gosh, Harper…" Alex said, trying to speak, but being cut off.

"So when I'd finally had enough, I gathered together my under-gods, and hired the Starcrushers here to aid us in attacking the wizard world upfront until they swore on the Sacred Name of Chaos Itself to reform." Harper concluded.

"Did you know that Mercury and the other gods instructed us to raze WizTech during an honor ceremony?" asked Commander Forthwith.

"Oh yeah," said Harper in a disturbingly nonchalant manner, "that order came to you, through them, from me."

"So let me get this straight;" Eighty-Six began, "you authorized an attack _on a school_, that would have been a gigantic fiery, bloody massacre comparable to the atomic bombing of Hiroshima, all as a shock-and-awe tactic—as well as all on people _you_ created—because you were mad about young Latina girl not answering your texts?"

"Yeah…" Harper said, somewhat shamefully, "I guess that was a little excessive…"

"_A little!?_" Alex demanded.

"Well at the same, the wizards were planning to annihilate New York City!" Harper exclaimed quickly.

"Yeah," said Alex, "I thought I heard something about that… Whatever happened to that idea anyway?"

"Oh they went through with it." Harper said, once again with a disturbingly cavalier attitude.

"WHAT!?" the entire quintet burst out.

"Yeah," Harper elaborated, "about three hours ago—roughly the same time I sucked you all into my dimension—the wizards set of an MWMD, Magical Weapon of Mass Destruction, and New York was completely totaled, as well as most of northern New Jersey, southwestern New York state, and part of Connecticut."

"_WHAT!?"_ the quintet exclaimed again in horror.

"Oh my gosh, Harper," said Alex, "how could you let this happen!?"

"Don't worry," said Harper, "as we speak, I am rebuilding the entire region like it never happened, I'm resurrecting every victim from the dead, and forcing Golorgi and BenZoltar to vow on the Sacred Name of Chaos Itself to reform wizard society."

"I guess we were kind of being jerks…" said Alex. "But why didn't you just tell me that you were master of the universe? I would've—you know what, I probably would have exploited you, then you would have gotten upset, then we would have made up and continued being friends after the normal 22-minute episode."

"We're still friends?" asked Harper.

"Of course." replied Alex.

"YAY!" Harper beamed, and the two hugged each other happily.

"Uh, Queen Goddess," said Commander Forthwith, "since the war is now effectively over, you've achieved your goals, and we helped you do so, I believe that you know owe us the ultimate guitar solo."

"Oh yeah that," Harper said, "actually I have no clue where that is."

"What!?" Twenty-Two exclaimed, "But you're the Queen Goddess of the multiverse!"

"That's in fact the only think I _don't_ know." Harper said.

"Then why did you promise it to us?" asked Eighty-Six.

"Because I knew it was the only way to get your services." Harper said.

"Well okay then," said Commander Forthwith calmly, "if that be the case, then let's just return to the ship." And Forthwith, Eighty-Six, Twenty-Two, and Monique left the palace.

Harper and Alex were catching up on lost time, meanwhile, when, just a few minutes later, the Starcrushers' ship came crashing through the walls of the palace, firing lasers left and right, flying back and forth, demolishing the entire place. After they were finished with their job, they headed for the inter-dimension highway's nearest onramp, where they left, bound for the dimension from whence they came.


	14. Eplogue

Monique walked down the aisle alone, as she had no one there to present her. She wore a white dress. There were 98 people in the crowd, all members of the Starcrushers, as well as her groom, Eighty-Six, and his best man, Twenty-Two, standing near the chuppah.

Commander Forthwith was to preside over the wedding ceremony, and was wearing the maroon and gold robes of a Zoroatheist incandescent light priest.

Once she reached the end of the walk, she and Eighty-Six take their places under the chuppah, and the ceremony began.

"Do you, Eighty-Six, take this female, Monique, to be your lawfully wedded wife?" Commander Forthwith asked.

"I do." Eighty-Six replied.

"And do you, Monique, take this male, Eighty-Six, to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Forthwith continued.

"_Oui._" she answered.

"And if there is anyone here who has any reason that these two should not—"

"Don't fate, Commander." Eighty-Six said bluntly.

"Anyway…" Commander Forthwith said, "By the power…_partly_ vested in me, by taking incandescent light priest seminary but dropping out halfway through, I hereby pronounce you, Starcrusher and wife. You may kiss the bride."

They kissed, the Starcrushers in the audience applauded their union, and the reception began.

Commander Forthwith and Twenty-Two had _"barrowed"_ English new wave group New Order, to perform, and the 102 people present (not counting the band) danced and celebrated, while Eighty-Six and Monique stuffed cake in each other's' mouths.

"Now that I am married, I can get fat and not worry anymore!" Monique rejoiced, then froze when she realized that she had said that out loud.

"Do not worry, my beloved wife," said Eighty-Six, "my chemical and emotional attraction to you is not bound to bodily girth."

"Oh Eighty-Six," Monique said dreamily, "you are so sweet…in a monotone, emotionally rigid, Vulcan-like way."

The celebration continued for the rest of the night, and everyone was in a good mood. They had gotten out of the war between the wizards and the gods, nobody died (well actually, everybody died, but it was reversed), Eighty-Six and Monique were mad for each other, and even though they still didn't have the ultimate guitar solo, at least they were able to get the Queen Goddess back for falsely promising it to them by destroying her palace.

And when New Order began playing "Age of Consent", the Starcrushers took notice.

"You know, Twenty-Two," said Commander Forthwith, "although it is not our ultimate prize, I do believe that we have just found the ultimate _bass_ solo…"

**The End**


End file.
